Feeling like a Fraud

I’m standing in my kitchen in my Oofos, in the cloud of my own stink, feeling a little like a fraud. I have blisters on my arches. New shoes + custom orthotics = no Bueno until the shoes break in a little more, and my feet toughen up too. There are two toenails that will come off — again — and a spot of chafing on my tokhis will be unpleasant once I’m in the shower. I’m standing here because sitting on furniture — well, ew. And I while I love my cat, he would just be in the way with his needy nudges and pawing for more love if I actually sat down. Or maybe he’d give me a wide berth. It’s hard to tell with cats sometimes. Did I mention the power was out and I can’t take a shower without risking ending up frozen before I’m done? So yeah, there’s that, too.

I know it sounds like I’m the biggest whiner in the world. With the blisters, chafing, cruddy toenails and current level of unfresh I should be feeling pretty good about winter training. It’s March, and I feel like I’ve been faking it for a few weeks. Why, when I have all the marks and misery of a regular runner?

Last week at our granddaughter’s 2nd birthday party, Miss H’s great-grandma — whom I’ve had the pleasure of knowing for many years before my son asked her granddaughter out — asked if I was doing any racing and running this year. Miss H’s Great Grandma K had been a frequent supporter of mine when I was participating with Team in Training and knows I run. Because of those years and events of fundraising many people still ask about my running. Even now I feel like I would disappoint my former (donation) supporters if I don’t do my best, or just quit.

This is completely irrational, I know. I don’t owe anyone anything except a debt of gratitude for believing in me.

I guess they still believe in me. I need to remember that because I’m having a hard time believing in myself.